{"id":2529,"date":"2025-11-23T07:58:02","date_gmt":"2025-11-23T07:58:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/?p=2529"},"modified":"2025-11-23T08:18:23","modified_gmt":"2025-11-23T08:18:23","slug":"the-wine-bible","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/2025\/11\/23\/the-wine-bible\/","title":{"rendered":"The Wine Bible"},"content":{"rendered":"Reading Time: <\/span> 4<\/span> minutes<\/span><\/span>\n

Author\u2018s Note: This parody of the creation story was inspired by an article about what Eden looks like today, in war-ravaged IRAQ on the fertile crescent between the Tigris and the Euphrates, due to global warming, pollution, and upstream water hoarding, and also inspired by a book entitled \u201cThe Wine Bible\u201c while sipping much better than what can be found in a carton.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Book of Reclamation<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

God said, \u201cLet there be wine.\u201d And there was wine, but it was boxed, lukewarm, and tasted faintly of chlorine. Sweaty and overworked, He took a skeptical sip, frowned, and muttered, \u201cIt\u2019ll do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sun burned hot over Eden \u2014 a place not of lush gardens but of cracked earth, salt flats, thorny shrubs, and cacti. The Tigris and Euphrates trickled like old men with bladder problems. Death traps of black oil fit only for pavement bubbled deep from the pits of hell. The air shimmered with heat; the wind smelled of methane.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adam, sunburned and naked in the dust, cursed his luck. \u201cThis must be a test,\u201d he muttered, shielding his eyes from a sun that felt like it was burning into his brain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve appeared beside him, pulling a cactus needle out of her finger. \u201cA test of what? Life as a pincushion?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They looked around. Their garden was a mirage of brittle acacias, prickly pears, and half-buried plastic bottles. Two vultures circled lazily above, waiting for an easy meal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Commandments of Maintenance<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And God came walking through the dry wind in the cool of the evening \u2014 though evening wasn\u2019t much cooler than day. A brittle, dried bush spontaneously erupted into fire. God snuffed it out with a puff of breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He said unto them, \u201cBe fruitful, and multiply.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve looked at the fullness of Adam. \u201cWe\u2019re not even dating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adam looked at the needle-strewn and oil-laden ground for potential mating spots. \u201cThe only thing I want scratching my ass is my own fingers.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve added, \u201cI\u2019m feeling pretty vulnerable out here, too. Can you jump ahead a bit and invent the mall?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The idea of commandments came to His mind, but He thought they should come later, when there were more people to command. He offered, \u201cThen till the land.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adam scratched his scorched scalp. \u201cTill it with what? A shovel made of sand?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God scowled, the sand swirled and stung their naked bodies like the belt of an angry father.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve added, \u201cWe could use a little irrigation, Lord. Maybe a breeze that doesn\u2019t sting?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Glancing skyward, God sighed. \u201cI\u2019ve been working on upgrades, but the paperwork\u2019s a nightmare. The angels are behind on maintenance requests, and Lucifer\u2019s still suing over the zoning rights.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Desperate for water, Eve lapped at the river on all fours like a dog. She gagged on the filthy water that tasted of sulfur. \u201cMaybe fix the water first?\u201d Eve suggested gently. \u201cIt smells\u2026 hellish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But God was already gone, mumbling about the sin of insolence and budget cuts in Heaven\u2019s Department of Creation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Tree of Knowledge and Utility Complaints<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the center of Eden stood the Prickly Pear of Knowledge \u2014 a gangly cactus with long spines and one lopsided fruit: a ripe prickly pear, glowing red against the tan of despair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDon\u2019t eat that,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBecause He said not to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd what\u2019s He going to do? Evict us?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve plucked the fruit carefully, pricking her thumb. She peeled off the leathery skin, and the juice bled crimson. She took a bite, winced at the sourness, and glowed with understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJesus Christ!\u201d Eve shouted. \u201cDo you know how many code violations there are in this place? He\u2019s too cheap to outsource any of the work to the consultants.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus Christ would not be available for comment for another two millennia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMeaning?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMeaning the brochure on paradise doesn\u2019t come close to the reality.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adam took a bite too. \u201cWould taste a whole lot better fermented.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d she whispered, \u201cYou should try the wine. It\u2019s really not that bad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Eviction Notice<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And lo, the sky cracked with thunder. God descended in a whirlwind of hot dust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI told you not to eat from that cactus!\u201d He bellowed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve crossed her arms. \u201cWe were hungry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adam nodded. \u201cWe tried the river, but the fish are supposed to die after you catch them, not before.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God frowned. \u201cYou think it\u2019s easy running an ecosystem? The angels keep unionizing, the Seraphim are demanding cloud subsidies, and don\u2019t get me started on the serpent\u2019s legal fees.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve said, \u201cTry turning down the heat a little bit. By the time I\u2019m nine hundred years old, I will look like a completely dehydrated watermelon. At least give us something to wear.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adam, still considering the possibility of mating, added, \u201cAnd maybe some soft sand.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God sighed. \u201cYou\u2019ll have to leave Eden. I\u2019m converting this property into condos for the Archangels.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They packed what little they had \u2014 a dried fig, a cracked jug, prickly pear seeds, and a box of divine carton wine \u2014 and walked eastward, into the shimmer of exile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Epilogue: The Second Creation<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the distance, they found a stretch of desert where the soil was soft enough to till. Eve pressed the prickly pear seeds into the ground. Adam placed the crate of box wines under the shade of a rock.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMaybe paradise isn\u2019t in a brochure,\u201d she said, \u201cbut where we find a place to call our own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve downed another glass of wine in less time than it takes to say Chardonnay. She stumbled into Adam\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adam smiled weakly. \u201cAnd maybe wine was the first miracle for a reason.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They raised their wine boxes to their lips, and found a nice soft patch of sand to lay down on. The sun set behind them, staining the horizon blood-red.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God, watching from a nearby cloud, muttered, \u201cGood riddance and good luck finding another rent-free place.\u201c He turned away. \u201dNext time, I\u2019m not going to try flipping a place. I\u2018m going to start from scratch.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Featured image and parody assistance from ChatGPT.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Reading Time: <\/span> 4<\/span> minutes<\/span><\/span>Author\u2018s Note: This parody of the creation story was inspired by an article about what Eden looks like today, in war-ravaged IRAQ on the fertile crescent between the Tigris and the Euphrates, due to global warming, pollution, and upstream water hoarding, and also inspired by a book entitled \u201cThe Wine Bible\u201c while sipping much better […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2530,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2529","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2529","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2529"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2529\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2538,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2529\/revisions\/2538"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2530"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2529"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2529"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2529"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}