{"id":2585,"date":"2026-07-19T17:44:09","date_gmt":"2026-07-19T17:44:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/?p=2585"},"modified":"2026-07-19T17:44:10","modified_gmt":"2026-07-19T17:44:10","slug":"ajax-and-the-tragedy-of-the-extremely-confused-goats","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/2026\/07\/19\/ajax-and-the-tragedy-of-the-extremely-confused-goats\/","title":{"rendered":"Ajax and the Tragedy of the Extremely Confused Goats"},"content":{"rendered":"Reading Time: <\/span> 3<\/span> minutes<\/span><\/span>\n

And now for something completely different<\/em>…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[A lonely hillside. Morning mist. A flock of goats stands in a semicircle wearing immaculate white togas. One is reading a scroll. Another adjusts tiny laurel leaves. They are deep in philosophical discussion.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> I maintain that the essence of virtue is not\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> Baa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> Precisely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Enter AJAX, swaying dramatically, carrying a sword and chewing on an alarming quantity of lotus leaves.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Ah-HA! Greeks! At last I have cornered you!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> We are goats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> A clever disguise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> Baa?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Don\u2019t mock me with your Doric dialect!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Ajax charges heroically. The goats shuffle politely three feet to the left. Ajax spins in circles, pokes a shrub, salutes a tree, and declares victory.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Ha! They fall before my unmatched skill!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THIRD GOAT:<\/strong> I believe that was a fern.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> The fiercest of the Spartans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

[Some time later. Ajax stands center stage, overcome with theatrical despair.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Alas! What have I done? I have slain\u2026 several\u2026 whatever these are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> Still goats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> My honor cannot survive this shame!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[He dramatically plants his sword on the ground\u2026 with the hilt up.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Farewell, cruel world!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[He throws himself upon it. The sword bounces harmlessly off his chest with a soft <\/strong>thump<\/em><\/strong>.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Oof.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> Wrong end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Silence, accusing phantom!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[He resets, sighs deeply, and delivers another grand speech.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> No man has suffered as I suffer!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[He throws himself again.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

THUMP.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Why does destiny cushion my grief?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THIRD GOAT:<\/strong> It\u2019s the handle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Ah! The gods have enchanted the blade.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> No\u2026 that\u2019s the grip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

[He attempts a third time, with increasing melodrama.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Witness my final, noble\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THUMP.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Ow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> Pointy end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> I reject your revisionist engineering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

[A breeze blows. The lotus leaves tumble from Ajax\u2019s hand. He blinks several times, as if awakening to a new thought.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> \u2026Why are those goats wearing togas?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> We thought it lent us dignity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Fair enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[He looks at the sword.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> \u2026I\u2019ve been diving onto the handle, haven\u2019t I?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THIRD GOAT:<\/strong> Three times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> Admirable commitment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> I suddenly have no desire to perish. Not after this revelation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> That\u2019s generally considered healthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> In fact\u2026 I don\u2019t think I want to be a warrior anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> Really?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Ever since I was a boy, I\u2019ve dreamed of\u2026 cleaning supplies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[The goats exchange puzzled glances.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Brushes. Brooms. Polishing cloths. A truly magnificent sponge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> That is unexpectedly specific.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> There must be a better life than endless war. A life where people appreciate a well-balanced mop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> There probably isn\u2019t much demand in Bronze Age Greece.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Then I shall create the demand!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[He stands tall.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> I shall found\u2026 Ajax!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> Catchy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> Our slogan shall be, \u201cStronger than ten thousand Trojans on stubborn stains.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> Bit long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AJAX:<\/strong> We\u2019ll workshop it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[He tosses aside his shield, picks up a bucket that no one remembers being there, and marches confidently offstage.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> Strange fellow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SECOND GOAT:<\/strong> Baa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FIRST GOAT:<\/strong> Indeed. Civilization often advances in peculiar ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[The goats return to their philosophical discussion as the curtain falls.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Author<\/em>\u2018‘<\/em>\u2019s Note: Having just seen Christopher Nolan\u2019s The Odyssey, I was reading some backstory and came across the account that Ajax mistakenly attacked a flock of sheep, thinking they were Greeks, and then threw himself on his sword. I had a hard time imagining how someone could mistake a flock of sheep for ancient Greeks, hence the inspiration for this story<\/em>. Credit goes to ChatGPT and Grammarly for the write-up. Image by ChatGPT. <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Reading Time: <\/span> 3<\/span> minutes<\/span><\/span>And now for something completely different… [A lonely hillside. Morning mist. A flock of goats stands in a semicircle wearing immaculate white togas. One is reading a scroll. Another adjusts tiny laurel leaves. They are deep in philosophical discussion.] FIRST GOAT: I maintain that the essence of virtue is not\u2014 SECOND GOAT: Baa. FIRST GOAT: […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2586,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[275,276],"class_list":["post-2585","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-writing","tag-odyssey","tag-parody"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2585","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2585"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2585\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2587,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2585\/revisions\/2587"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2586"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2585"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2585"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thetembo.com\/clip\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2585"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}