And now for something completely different…
[A lonely hillside. Morning mist. A flock of goats stands in a semicircle wearing immaculate white togas. One is reading a scroll. Another adjusts tiny laurel leaves. They are deep in philosophical discussion.]
FIRST GOAT: I maintain that the essence of virtue is not—
SECOND GOAT: Baa.
FIRST GOAT: Precisely.
[Enter AJAX, swaying dramatically, carrying a sword and chewing on an alarming quantity of lotus leaves.]
AJAX: Ah-HA! Greeks! At last I have cornered you!
FIRST GOAT: We are goats.
AJAX: A clever disguise.
SECOND GOAT: Baa?
AJAX: Don’t mock me with your Doric dialect!
[Ajax charges heroically. The goats shuffle politely three feet to the left. Ajax spins in circles, pokes a shrub, salutes a tree, and declares victory.]
AJAX: Ha! They fall before my unmatched skill!
THIRD GOAT: I believe that was a fern.
AJAX: The fiercest of the Spartans.
[Some time later. Ajax stands center stage, overcome with theatrical despair.]
AJAX: Alas! What have I done? I have slain… several… whatever these are.
FIRST GOAT: Still goats.
AJAX: My honor cannot survive this shame!
[He dramatically plants his sword on the ground… with the hilt up.]
AJAX: Farewell, cruel world!
[He throws himself upon it. The sword bounces harmlessly off his chest with a soft thump.]
AJAX: Oof.
SECOND GOAT: Wrong end.
AJAX: Silence, accusing phantom!
[He resets, sighs deeply, and delivers another grand speech.]
AJAX: No man has suffered as I suffer!
[He throws himself again.]
THUMP.
AJAX: Why does destiny cushion my grief?
THIRD GOAT: It’s the handle.
AJAX: Ah! The gods have enchanted the blade.
FIRST GOAT: No… that’s the grip.
[He attempts a third time, with increasing melodrama.]
AJAX: Witness my final, noble—
THUMP.
AJAX: Ow.
SECOND GOAT: Pointy end.
AJAX: I reject your revisionist engineering.
[A breeze blows. The lotus leaves tumble from Ajax’s hand. He blinks several times, as if awakening to a new thought.]
AJAX: …Why are those goats wearing togas?
FIRST GOAT: We thought it lent us dignity.
AJAX: Fair enough.
[He looks at the sword.]
AJAX: …I’ve been diving onto the handle, haven’t I?
THIRD GOAT: Three times.
SECOND GOAT: Admirable commitment.
AJAX: I suddenly have no desire to perish. Not after this revelation.
FIRST GOAT: That’s generally considered healthy.
AJAX: In fact… I don’t think I want to be a warrior anymore.
SECOND GOAT: Really?
AJAX: Ever since I was a boy, I’ve dreamed of… cleaning supplies.
[The goats exchange puzzled glances.]
AJAX: Brushes. Brooms. Polishing cloths. A truly magnificent sponge.
FIRST GOAT: That is unexpectedly specific.
AJAX: There must be a better life than endless war. A life where people appreciate a well-balanced mop.
SECOND GOAT: There probably isn’t much demand in Bronze Age Greece.
AJAX: Then I shall create the demand!
[He stands tall.]
AJAX: I shall found… Ajax!
FIRST GOAT: Catchy.
AJAX: Our slogan shall be, “Stronger than ten thousand Trojans on stubborn stains.”
SECOND GOAT: Bit long.
AJAX: We’ll workshop it.
[He tosses aside his shield, picks up a bucket that no one remembers being there, and marches confidently offstage.]
FIRST GOAT: Strange fellow.
SECOND GOAT: Baa.
FIRST GOAT: Indeed. Civilization often advances in peculiar ways.
[The goats return to their philosophical discussion as the curtain falls.]
Author‘‘’s Note: Having just seen Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey, I was reading some backstory and came across the account that Ajax mistakenly attacked a flock of sheep, thinking they were Greeks, and then threw himself on his sword. I had a hard time imagining how someone could mistake a flock of sheep for ancient Greeks, hence the inspiration for this story. Credit goes to ChatGPT and Grammarly for the write-up. Image by ChatGPT.